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River of Human Blood Seen Flowing from the Earth in Louisiana

In our current dystopian present of hydraulic fracking, underground nuclear testing, and Elon Musk digging out what will surely be the future homes of mutated Morlocks fleeing the irradiated surface, it’s natural that all of our poking around below ground would eventually unearth some subterranean mysteries sooner or later. While C.H.U.D.s luckily still (mostly) keep to themselves in their deep underground tunnels, some macabre news out of Louisiana proves that there are likely more creepy secrets hidden beneath our feet than most of us are probably comfortable with.

Seriously though, who thought C.H.U.D. would be a good name for a movie?

Seriously though, who thought C.H.U.D. would be a good name for a movie?

Louisiana-area news station WBRZ first broke the story when one of its viewers sent in a picture of a disturbing sight. The photograph appears to show a stream of human blood flowing straight out of the ground and spilling onto a nearby road. The worst part? The leak was happening directly behind the Greenoaks Funeral Home in Baton Rouge.

Thats not good for business.

Definitely not good for business.

WBRZ reached out to the funeral home Baton Rouge health officials for a statement, but they were strangely dismissive considering the case involved a river of human blood. Baton Rouge Department of Environmental Services spokesperson Adam Smith gave the prototypical government employee “not my problem” response and assured they’d get to it in the proverbial “tomorrow:”

We sent out both our sewer inspector and our environmental specialists to take a look. We determined that it wasn’t a sewer issue and that it was an issue on private property. We’ve been really concentrating on restaurants lately, so we haven’t been looking into the funeral homes. But we’re going to go ahead and get them signed up for a permit tomorrow.

The official explanation is that an underground tank of embalming fluids became clogged or otherwise malfunctioned, spilling a mixture of blood and formaldehyde into the street. Do funeral homes keep massive tanks of human blood on hand? It really makes you wonder what they do with all the precious bodily fluids they drain from the deceased. Do they just flush it down the sewers to be reclaimed into our water supplies?

Could there be a hidden vampire cult in the basement of this seemingly normal funeral home? Nah, we all know the vampires all congregate at the Red Cross.

Could there be a hidden vampire cult in the basement of this seemingly normal funeral home? Nah, we all know the vampires congregate at the Red Cross.

Stories like this make me really glad my house is on a private well. Of course, who knows what could be rotting and seeping into the groundwater down there? Dinosaurs? Ancient aliens? C.H.U.D. corpses? You know what, maybe I’ll stick to Coke. Nothing even close to water in there.