Join Plus+ and get exclusive shows and extensions! Subscribe Today!

The Church of Satan is Betting on Sex Robots to Save Humanity

One of the perhaps least surprising developments in the oncoming robot revolution is the appearance of sex robots. I mean, why not? These lifelike robots let you have your weird fetishy cake and eat it too. Robotic sex dolls allow anyone to enact all manner of strange, deranged, or even violent fantasies on seemingly human partners without the risk of harming anyone either physically or emotionally. Is that a good thing? Ethicists still aren’t sure. The Church of Satan, however, is fully behind the use of sex robots to promote healthier interactions between humans by giving all us weirdos an outlet for all the weird stuff we wish we could do to one another. You know the stuff I’m talking about.

And why stop at humanoid robots?

And why stop at humanoid robots? I foresee a lot of tentacle bots in the near future.

The Church of Satan began a social media campaign this week advocating for the use of sex robots to save humankind from its basest desires through allowing us to enact those base desires – on robots. Sex robots are appearing in more and more bedrooms, and the technology will only get better. Until we all abandon reality for virtual ones, that is. While commercial sex robots are a relatively new phenomenon, apparently Church of Satan founder Anton Szandor LaVey (née Howard Stanton Levey) was arguing for the use of realistic “humanoids” as early as the 1980s.

LaVey with Hollywood icon and sex symbol Jayne Mansfield in 1966.

LaVey with Hollywood icon and sex symbol Jayne Mansfield in 1966.

In an essay penned by High Priest of the Church of Satan Peter Gilmore, the church advocates the use of realistic human sexbots to alleviate interpersonal suffering:

These humanoids will be constructed to be as realistic as possible, and available to anyone who can afford one. Recognizing that the human animal often raises himself up through the denigration of another, this would provide a safe outlet for such behavior. […] Freedom of choice to satisfy your most secret desires with no-one to be bothered is now at hand. What could be better for blowing-off the tension that exists throughout our society, and promoting healthier interaction among true humans?

You know, as much as sex robots creep me out, I have to admit that they’ve got a point. Think of all the suffering and pain caused by unhealthy relationships. If you could buy a robot indistinguishable from a real human which could be designed exactly how you want it to look and could be programmed to behave and respond exactly how you want it to act, why not go for it? It’s an idea science fiction has been exploring for decades – at least since Shelley penned Frankenstein but possibly as far back as the Golem myths from Jewish folklore.

Lookout! A Golem! Also, a sex bot!

Lookout! A Golem! Also, a sex bot!

Would dangerous political or social movements get started if there was a lot less sexual frustration among disenfranchised young people worldwide? Would abusive relationships be as prevalent if angry partners could go out to the garage and toss the ol’ abuse bot around for a few hours? What about some of the darker sexual fantasies; could robots help these individuals avoid carrying out their illegal or immoral desires on humans once robotic stand-ins are available? It’s an interesting thought. I think I side with the Church of Satan on this one.