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Red Pills of the Week — January 5th

Greetings, fellow Coppertops! After a much needed hiatus to recharge the batteries of the Nebuchadnezzar, we’re ready to resume our journeys of exploration through the Fortean Matrix. This week we’ll encounter lunar lies, martian flowers & exploding UFOs. And after we make a final fly-over to an alien cathedral on the desert, we’ll say Adieu to a valiant knight of the Grail. First things first though: Someone needs to give me a hand to wash off the mess that Lt. Aaron & Capt. Ben left during the New Year’s party –I guess they don’t call it the ‘mess hall’ for nothing, eh mates?

(10) Despite its ominous numerals, 2013 could turn out to be a very bright year. Not only we’ll get to celebrate the 2nd. edition of the Paradigm Symposium –be there or be a pendejo!– but also by the end of the year we’ll get to enjoy the magnificence of comet Ison, already dubbed the ‘comet of the century’ because it will manage to outshine the Moon itself –if its survives its close encounter with the Sun, that is.

Let’s see if Ison also manages to survive the fervent minds of the fringier members of the New Age crowd, as I’m sure eventually we’ll start to hear how Ison is in reality a Pleiadian mothership coming to our planet to kindle the light of a new dawn for humanity… or something to that effect.


(9) Our old satellite Selene might be outshone by Ison later in 2013, but she still has reasons to cheer up: some mad scientists from NASA are talking about giving the Moon a moon of its own, by way of a trapped asteroid that would be dragged and placed on lunar orbit –a ‘bring-the-mountain-to-Mohamed’ approach to space exploration, given how we’ve still haven’t figured out how to protect our puny little bodies from the harsh radiation of outer space.

But wait: If the moon gets a moon, wouldn’t that turn it into a… planet?

(8) “That’s one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind.” The first words uttered by a human being on the surface of another astronomical object, for years during the rare opportunities when he allowed to be interviewed, Neil Armstrong –who passed away last year– kept claiming that the phrase came to him after the landing of the Eagle capsule on the moon’s surface; even his mission-comrades Aldrin & Collins insisted they didn’t know what he was going to say on that historical moment. But now a new controversy has erupted due to a BBC interview with Armstrong’s brother, who declared that Neil had come up with the phrase months before the Apollo 11 mission.

“On that piece of paper there was ‘That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’ He says ‘what do you think about that?’ I said ‘fabulous.’ He said ‘I thought you might like that, but I wanted you to read it,'” Dean Armstrong said, according to the Telegraph.

Many people would say “So he embellished the story a little, so what?”. And it may be so that’s this news amounts to nothing more than one small white lie for [a] man. But as Forteans it’s difficult not to consider the possibilities: If Armstrong did lie about his famous quote –and repeatedly– just what else could have he lied about in regards to Apollo 11?

(7) “These babies were huge, sir!… Enormous!… Oh, God! You wouldn’t believe it! … I’m telling you there are other space-craft out there … lined up on the far side of the crater edge! … They’re on the Moon watching us! … “ These words are, according to some, part of the censored dialogue between the Apollo 11 & Mission Control in Houston. Whether the Apollo astronauts did observe alien activity during the lunar missions or not it’s still a matter of wild speculation & heated debate.

Scientology Symbols

Speaking of heat, if you’re not bothered by high temperatures & want to check out some weird alien-inspired structure here on planet Earth, then head out to the New Mexico desert where a very secret installation built by the Church of Scientology is located. The strange ‘space alien cathedral’ is marked with a huge ‘Nazca-type’ geometric design of two intersecting circles which would allegedly help the out-of-town –WAAAY out of town!– higher echelons from the church to find this building in the middle of nowhere, reportedly built in the 1980s deep underground in order to withstand a nuclear war. BBC reporter John Sweeney traveled to this remote location along with a former member of the church Mr. Marc Headley, who since his departure has become a vocal critic of the secretive religion.

After travelling many miles along a dirt road, the pair made it as far as a set of huge steel gates guarded by two security cameras, where they were turned away.

He writes: ‘I press an intercom button. A voice says “Hello” in what sounds like a Scandinavian accent. I announce that I’m John Sweeney and ask nicely for a tour.

‘We are not invited in and the intercom simply spouts white noise. We drive back to civilisation, wondering what kind of religion builds a space alien cathedral underground.’

Answer: The kind with HUUUGE A$$ets.

(6) From New Mexico we travel now to Sacramento, where a local TV network aired a video captured by amateur astronomer Elijah Prychodsko who was viewing the night sky with his telescope, when he suddenly observed some strange luminosities that he couldn’t identify. When the man returned to his telescope after making a phone call to his nephew, to his surprise he discovered that one of the objects had just exploded. Prychodsko then sent the video to astronomer Dr. Stephen P Maran, who couldn’t identify the explosion as an astronomical phenomenon.


But before we could ascribe an alien origin to that big Kaboom –because you know how aliens <3 those– killjoy UFO investigator Frank Warren did a bit of investigatory work on the video & the videographer claims, and reached the following conclusion: the exploding UFO is actually a weather balloon, bursting after reaching its height limit in the upper atmosphere –The irony is literally out of this world.

So I guess th-th-that’s all folks!

(5) One of my fav’rite Looney Tunes characters is Gossamer, a.k.a. the Hair Monster. I always loved how he was constantly duped by Bugs’ wits again & again –if only the same could be said of the real-life hairy beasts roaming across the Pacific Northwest…

But wait! When we were all partying & enjoying the fact that Quetzalcoatl turned out to be a big procrastinator –after all, he *is* Mexican– a bizarre story started to make the rounds amid the Cryptozoological blogs: news that a Bigfoot has finally been captured.

The ‘Bigfoot in a Box’ story was released by the famous blog site Bigfoot Evidence on Dec. 2th, and the (alleged) capture was done by a mysterious group identified as the Quantra team, who used the codename Daisy for their hirsute captive; the brief message “Daisy is in the box” was sent by Ed Smith –a former member of Quantra– to several associates and partners.

Since then, any more info re. Daisy’s whereabouts has been sketchy at best, and has turned into something of an abominable thread in the BF online forums. The fact that only former members of Quantra are going on the record, instead of the group itself, does not raise any confidence in the veracity of these claims either.


The Quantra quandary remains unsolved, and since no official press release or graphic evidence has been provided, suspicions are growing. We’ll keep you posted if any major updates are revealed in the future, but given the anti-climatic ending Melba Ketchum’s DNA study suffered by the end of last year, it’s understandable how many among the Cryptozoological community remain cautiously skeptical.

Do you think the big guy has been finally captured? And do you think he’ll resent being given the pansy name Daisy? Share your thoughts in the comment section

(4) You think a Bigfoot named Daisy is weird? How about the next pill: a man in the UK was attacked by Oompa Loompas. THIS is the kind of stories the Internet was invented for!

A 28-year-old man was attacked by three men and a woman as he left a kebab house on Prince of Wales Road in the city on Thursday.

Two of the men had painted orange faces and dyed green hair and were wearing hooped tops, as in the 1971 film.

The victim suffered cuts and black eyes, Norfolk Police said.

Police are appealing for witnesses.

“Can you identify your aggressors, Mr. Charlie?”

(3) In the original film, the Oompa Loompas came from Loompaland, a country lost in the most remote region in Africa. But given their orange hue, one would think that perhaps they originally inhabited the planet Mars, even thought we don’t seem to find anything on the surface of the Red Planet with the exception of rocks, boulders and… flowers?

During the 132nd day of Curiosity’s mission –Sol 132 in the JPL jargon– a close-up image was captured that stirred the imagination of the Above Top Secret forum. The image shows a strangely bright & iridescent object, embedded at the center of a rocky outcrop, which made some ATS members to conclude Curiosity has found something truly anomalous.

Martian flower, or a Thark’s molar? The truth is still out there on the red sands…


(2) If people are desperate to find flowers, rabbits, or even off-world relatives of Sasquatch on the surface of our sister world is, IMO, out of an archetypical need to ascertain that we as a species are not alone, and that someone not unlike ourselves shares the vastness of the Cosmos, perhaps sharing similar uncertainties & hopes.

That fabled day when Science can claim with absolute certainty that life as we know it exists outside the Earth may be closer than we imagine, in light of a recent discovery of a meteorite of Martian provenance. According to the team who analyzed the mineral content of the extraterrestrial rock, its composition is so rich with water –about 6000 parts per million– that it hints on the possibility of life existing on Mars more than 2 billion years ago.

(1) The fact that the Martian meteorite was discovered on the Sahara desert is deeply poetic. A poetry that only a handful of individuals are able to appreciate, and from it extract deep pearls of wisdom the same way scientists extracted the mineral secrets from the ancient rock’s core.

If you read my review of 2012 then you are aware of the emphasis I made on the notable losses we suffered last year. I played homage to explorers, dreamers & visionaries, but sadly to that illustrious congregation one name must now be added: that of our illustrious friend & colleague Philip Coppens (1971-2012) who on Dec. 30th lost his battle to a very rare form of cancer. His beloved spouse Kathleen shared with us these beautiful lines:

My eternal beloved, my grail knight, my poet prince has made his transition. He is in the arms of the angels. In his last words he asked that I thank you all for loving him so much. We were both so greatly blessed. Good night, sweet prince. My love for you knows no boundaries and no time.

I had the great fortune of meeting Philip in person. On Oct. 18th, Scotty Roberts was kind enough to pick me up at the Minneapolis airport & take me to the hotel where the Paradigm Symposium would be celebrated –I remember talking to Micah Hanks on the phone, & said to him “tell Scotty to look for the biggest sumbitch he can find wearing a black leather jacket”. It worked– Inside the SUV were Philip, Kathleen & Marie D. Jones on the back seats & all greeted me warmly, something I greatly appreciated, since I was rather nervous & even a little intimidated in meeting face to face people whom I had admired for many years, especially Philip himself.

And even though Scotty was noticeable mortified due to the ‘traffic’ that was slowing down our trip to the hotel –I should invite him to Mexico city so he can experience what the term ‘traffic jam’ REALLY means– all the people riding the SUV were already having a great time horsing around & commenting on how excited we all were on sharing that joyous moment of existence, & our expectations for the 4 days we were about to enjoy exploring deep questions.

That is the image I want to keep of Philip. That and how he managed to rock the house during his full-packed presentation at the symposium.

Au revoir et Mercy, cher professeur.

Philip Coppens

Until next time, this is RPJ jacking out. Remember: Without endings, there can never be beginnings.

Miguel Romero a.k.a. Red Pill Junkie is a cartoonist and fortean blogger who writes at Mysterious Universe
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