While browsing through my Twitter feed last Friday morning I learned that SkyMall, that wonderful cornucopia of improbable products available to all consumers cruising at 30 000 feet, had filed for bankrupcy. This was such heart-breaking news for me! How else would I be able to distract myself while pretending to listen to the flight attendant’s safety instructions, I ask thee?
As a Fortean, it’s hard for me not to feel slightly responsible for SkyMall’s demise. Looking at their magazine was like Dr. Caligari’s Cabinet of Wonders in a Sear’s catalogue format. It’s also obvious that the fine people behind this company were deliberately catering for us, the individuals with an interest in the paranormal and other things most folks often turn their nose up, just as they would turn up their nose at any wine exhibited in an NFL shoe holder –bunch of snobs! How else to explain the Roswell alien butler, a silvery-skinned Reticulan who would be ready to quell your thirst for answers about the UFO cover-up with a beverage of your choice?
Or how about their Bigfoot garden statues, available on different sizes, which would not only let your whole neighborhood know that yes dammit! you’re into Cryptozoology big time –and you even have the $2,250 receipt to prove it– but also to hone in your shaky-camera skills, in order to create the perfect Blobsquatch for your Youtube or Instagram channel.
And in case you’re inclined into the more ‘supernatural’ stuff, SkyMall had a lovely assortment of raising zombie statues, perfect for helping you train for the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Why, our own Nick Redfern has one of these in his home on Texas! No doubt purchased while recovering from a major rum hangover, after returning from Puerto Rico in search of the Chupacabras…
My buddies, Darren and Graham, are surely devastated now that their Money Bomb “value for value” financing scheme for the Grimerica podcast is now for naught, since they won’t be able to buy that posh Moai, which would have no doubt been the ultimate highlight of their recording studio.Yes, my fellow Forteans. If we’d only giggled less and bought more, this treasure trove of wacky wonders would’ve been preserved.
…Although on second thought, it’s their own fault if they went broke! Didn’t they learn in all these 25 years they were on business that, despite all the constant quarrels in the crypto/UFOlogical communities with investigators, pundits and armchair researchers besmirching the pet theories of their competitors, if there is ONE thing they all have in common is that they all suffer from financial difficulties? Who, aside from Robert Bigelow, has $275 dollars to spend in a freaking crashed flying saucer statue for their garden? –Who can even afford to have a garden nowadays, for crying out loud?!
Because now that I think about it, it’s clear to me there’s a conspiracy in all of this. Could it be that SkyMall was in fact a front for the alien themselves?? A malevolent scheme designed to keep the Earthlings with their nose inside their dog-eared catalogues, instead of looking out the cabin’s windows in search of actual UFOs?
Seriously, maybe the same lack of grasp into our customs that leads an MIB to be confused on whether to drink or eat Jell-O while going on their business to intimidate witnesses, is the same obtuseness that leads one to think a wine glass is best held with a necklace holder.
Well, you will not keep us asleep any longer with your luring list of tempting gadgets, you evil aliens! Nor with you improbably-convenient Skyrest travel pillow…
Remember, friends: The Truth is out there –to all major credit card holders, that is.