The first rule of Chupacabra Club is: you don’t talk about killing a Chupacabra, especially if you’re not in Central or South America, unless you’re holding a pitchfork. The second rule of Chupacabra Club is: if you don’t live in Central or South America, you can forget the “goat sucking” qualifier. Based on those rules, a man in Ukraine claims he used his pitchfork to kill a Chupacabra that was killing local chickens and rabbits and drinking their blood.
According to a report in the Daily Mail (motto: “All the Chupacabra news that’s fit to print”), a Ukrainian farmer named Ivan (no last names for fear of cryptid reprisals) claims he used his pitchfork to kill a Chupacabra that had been terrorizing the caged animals in his village of Rukshin in western Ukraine.
The chupacabra was hunting and I killed it. It had been scaring local people for a long time. It was eating our chickens and rabbits.
Is it fair to call it “hunting” if the prey is in cages? According to the report, Ivan’s fellow villagers declared him a local hero, except for Viktor (again, no last names please) who claimed Ivan only killed the smaller of two Chupacabras and let the much larger one – which was built more like a kangaroo – run or hop away.
The third rule of Chupacabra Club is to get someone of authority to back you up, so Ivan took the carcass to the Regional State Laboratory of Veterinary Medicine where Valeriy Dopiryak, the head veterinarian, shook her head and said:
This animal resembles an African fox, but its teeth, neck, ears and paws are too long. We can’t say what it is.
Good comment, Valeriy. The animal resembles an African fox – which few if any Ukrainian farmers have ever seen – except for its teeth, neck, ears and paws. You just made Honorable Mention in the Chupacabra Club.
Is Ivan’s pitchfork, carcass, stories of villagers with chickens fearing a killer blood-sucker and vague validation from a person of authority enough to get him into the Chupacabra Club? Does he need to bring in Viktor’s big hopping Chupacabra on the end of his pitchfork too? Shouldn’t a Chupacabra be on the judge’s panel for considering membership into the Chupacabra Club?