Jan 22, 2017 I Brett Tingley

New Anti-Vampire Soap Claims to Keep Bloodsuckers at Bay

Vampires probably think they’re pretty clever. They used to have to slink around in the dark of night, transfiguring into icky bats and flying through windows in order to drink the lifeblood of their human prey. Now, they’ve convinced people to line up and voluntarily give their blood away to seemingly benevolent organizations. I know what they’re really up to, though. Those vampires won’t get a drop of my blood.

Bloodmobile? More like vamp-mobile.

Vampires are seemingly getting bolder lately - that is, if they exist at all. Researchers in Brazil have found that vampire bats have recently begun feeding on human beings for the first time. Scientists also confirmed that the blood of young people does indeed confer health benefits on the old, confirming centuries’ worth of vampire folklore. Around the world, archaeologists are discovering more and more evidence of vampire burials intended to ensure that the deceased did not become the un-deceased and return to drain them of their precious sanguine essence. 

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Vampire folklore of some form can be found throughout many of the world’s cultures dating back several millennia.

To combat the seemingly growing vampire threat, a Vermont-based company has launched a new anti-vampire soap designed to ward off those pesky Nosferatu. PoJo’s Pure Vermont sells the soap for $10 a bar through their website.

PoJo's Pure Vermont Garlic & Holy Water Vampire Repelling Soap

According to the soap’s description, it contains the usual ingredients found in all farmer's’ market hipster soaps - goat's milk, honey, smugness etc. - but also contains special vampire-fighting compounds:

A potent blend of garlic oil and Holy Water allows you to simply wash away the danger of vampire attacks.  This beautifully packaged soap makes a wonderful gift for those who wish to avoid falling victim to the undead, and comes with a 100% money-back guarantee*.

PoJo’s is quick to note via asterisk that the soap is guaranteed only to fend off physical attacks, not psychic attacks. For that you’re gonna need tin foil. Lots and lots of tin foil.

The belief that garlic can ward off vampires began with the discovery that blood-sucking insects such as mosquitos are repelled by the onion relative.

In all seriousness though, the Red Cross is not a vampire organization. Give blood whenever you can. A list of Red Cross donation centers and events can be found here.

Brett Tingley

Brett Tingley is a writer and musician living in the ancient Appalachian mountains.

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