Feb 08, 2017 I Jason Offutt

Attention: The Natural World is Trying to Kill Us

There are a lot of things to be afraid of. Politicians people don’t like. People protesting politicians by setting fire to things which have nothing to do with said politician. Clowns.

Yeah, it’s scary out there.

But amidst the craigslist serial killers, the Rambutan (Have you seen this fruit? It looks like an alien parasite from “Star Trek”), suicide bombers and whatever jerk stole New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey, there are real threats – like cockroaches.

A 42-year-old woman from India thought she had a cold. You know the symptoms, runny nose, aches, fatigue, and an urge to drink Dr. McGillicuddy’s Mentholmint Schnapps. Oh, and a “tingling, crawling sensation,” according to the Times of India.

Crawling? What?

Cockroach, nasal passage. No problem. Photo UK Sun

The woman, unnamed by the Indian press, felt so ill she went to three hospitals before one intrepid doctor discovered the problem. A cockroach had dug into the woman’s nose, probably while she slept, or maybe during sex. People do things differently in other cultures, it doesn’t make their actions wrong.

The doctor performed a nasal endoscopy and found the cockroach alive and simply hanging out on her skull between her eyes, according the Times. It was possibly feeding off her flesh and probably smoking a filterless cigarette while it enjoyed feeling close to someone for once. You know how lonely cockroaches are.

The woman is fine, seriously, she’s just fine. Nothing wrong here except for the psychological trauma. Doctors said if the roach had stayed put longer it may have eaten its way into her brain, or, when it died it would have caused a massive infection. Or worse, it would have eventually invited friends over and the woman’s life would have been worse than a live-in landlord who rents to college students.

If you’re wondering, the doctor pulled the cockroach through her nose. If you weren’t wondering, sorry.

Cockroaches aren’t the only things we should worry about invading our bodies faster than airport security. There are more. Lots more.

Ron Svedan's lungs, and garden. Photo KKTV

In 2010, 75-year-old Ron Svedan of Cape Cod, Massachusetts, suffered from emphysema. As his condition worsened (coughing fits, fatigue, lack of interest in extreme rodeo. The usual), he checked into a hospital. The bad news was a growth had begun in one of his lungs. Ten days later, Ron discovered the good news – the growth wasn’t cancer. He was growing peas. Yes, a pea plant had begun to grow inside his body, according to the BBC.

Apparently, he inhaled a pea and the vegetable liked his warmy, lungy goodness enough to take root. Eventually it may have sprouted vines that would have taken over Svedan’s body, turning him into some kind of Pea Monster from a Saturday afternoon science fiction movie. After the operation to remove the plant, Svedan’s first meal included peas. He’s badass like that.

Then there are spiders.

Spider, ear, no thank you. Photo CBS News

Twenty-five-year-old Li Meng thought she was going crazy in 2015. According to the Huffington Post, she kept hearing a scratching noise that no one else could hear. Kinda like the victim in a horror movie. Then the pain began. Also, like the victim in a horror movie. After a week of over-the-counter painkillers, she went to the hospital and discovered her problem, which she is probably waking up screaming from to this day. She was the victim in a horror movie.

A spider was living in her ear. It put up a fight, but doctors eventually pulled the eight-legged monster from the woman’s ear.

Nature hates us, folks. Plug up every bit you can, and be afraid – of everything.

Jason Offutt

Jason Offutt is paranormal investigator, an author of several paranormal books such as “What Lurks Beyond,” “Darkness Walks: Shadow People Among us,” “Haunted Missouri,” and “Paranormal Missouri” and a teacher of journalism at Northwest Missouri State University.

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