Feb 18, 2017 I Brett Tingley

Illinois Legislature Declares Official “Zombie Preparedness Month”

For some unknown reason, government agencies have begun to acknowledge there could be mysterious forces at play in our world and are starting to plan for strange or Fortean phenomena. The Wikileaks...leaks of the past year have shown that government agencies do in fact spend quite a deal of resources monitoring and studying UFO phenomena. Whether or not those leaked emails are conclusive evidence of the existence of extraterrestrial entities remains to be seen. Speaking of things remaining unseen, in New Mexico, a senator has introduced a bill to curb government spending in the area of Bigfoot research, because as well all know, nothing screams government waste like the search for Sasquatch.

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My grant money!

Not to be outdone by New Mexico, the state legislature in Illinois has declared October to be the state’s official “Zombie Preparedness Month.” According to the Chicago Tribune, Illinois Rep. Emanuel Chris Welch claims the resolution is actually intended not only to get ready for the undead uprising but to also motivate state agencies and Illinois residents prepare for any number of catastrophes:

I am told that if you are prepared for zombies, then you would be prepared to deal with a natural disaster like tornadoes, blizzards — natural disasters of any kind.

Sounds legit. I mean let’s face it: nothing screams “blizzard preparedness” like practicing your machete skills and fashioning your own anti-zombie-bite chain mail out of soda can pull tabs.

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Chicago will be one of the first places to go. Avoiding high-density urban areas is covered in zombie preparedness 101.

The bill hasn’t been unanimously supported in the legislature, however (gee, who knew?). Rep. Jeanne Ives, R-Wheaton criticized the measure as a needless distraction which is using up precious state resources:

This may sound like fun, but if you're really concerned about disaster, the natural disaster that's happening in Illinois is all economic and it’s all our doing. So let’s get to work on the real stuff instead of stuff like this.

Ugh. Come on, Rep. Ives, tax reform and other “real stuff” isn’t nearly as interesting as cleavin’ zombie skulls and building anti-zombie punji pits. You just can’t please some people.

Step right up, zombs.

This move comes on the heels of several other terrifyingly weird government response plans put in place over the last few years. FEMA and NASA have begun planning on how to respond to asteroid impacts, while the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention own zombie preparedness plan in place for years. Do they know something we don’t know? Either way, that punji pit’s not gonna build itself.

Brett Tingley

Brett Tingley is a writer and musician living in the ancient Appalachian mountains.

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