Apr 20, 2017 I Brett Tingley

Nessie Declared ‘Missing’ by Official Loch Ness Record Keeper

You know things are getting bad here on Earth when even our most beloved monsters start vanishing. It’s like when you’re alone in the woods and suddenly all the wildlife around you goes silent. If they’re worried, we should be too. That’s exactly what’s happening in the United Kingdom right now, as Nessie seems to have vanished. Yes, sadly, the world’s second-favorite cryptid (behind Bigfoot, of course) hasn’t been seen in nearly eight months, sparking one of the leading Loch Ness Monster experts to declare Nessie to be officially ‘missing.’ Then again, how can you be missing if you’ve never really been found?

The last known "Nessie" sighting, dated August 21, 2016.

That announcement was made by Gary Campbell, the keeper of The Official Loch Ness Monster Register. Campbell’s website purports itself right on its landing page to be “the only place that lists every Nessie sighting.” Speaking to The Scotsman, Campbell says Nessie sightings mysteriously dropped off in late August last year:

It’s quite unusual for this length of time to pass with no sightings at all. We’re quite worried that there has been an eight-month gap since the last sighting. This is especially so when you consider that pretty much everyone will have access to a camera phone to take video and pictures – we would have expected at least something in that time period.

Maybe should take a cue from the creepy Missing Richard Simmons podcast and just give Nessie some space. Maybe she’s had enough of our voyeurism and gone back to her home planet. Or maybe she has sought a new home in the EU to avoid Brexit. An arts collective in Glasgow recently filed an application for Nessie to be granted permanent residency in the UK in the wake of fears she might leave due to the looming Brexit, but according to the U.K.’s Home Office the application “was voided before any assessment because it was not for a real person.” Despite all the rumors and jokes, I’m sure ol’ Nessie’s just fine - just forgotten in an era less concerned with monsters lurking in dark waters and more concerned with the mysteries of life outside our planet or in the minds of our machines. Sorry, Nessie. The world has moved on.

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Let Nessie be, Campbell. She just needs some time to find herself. We're sure having no luck at it.

Brett Tingley

Brett Tingley is a writer and musician living in the ancient Appalachian mountains.

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