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Apple Unveils Creepy Wall of Human Faces at iPhone X Event

It’s that time of year. Even more than seeing my own children grow before my eyes, even more than watching the autumn leaves drift by my window, nothing makes me aware of my own aging and mortality than each year’s new iPhone unveiling. Where are we now? 8? 9?

Oh, X. Is that X as in ten? Or X as in twenty-four? Are they using the alphabet now?

Oh, X. Is that X as in ten? Or X as in the twenty-fourth letter of the alphabet? Are they using the alphabet now? What year is it?

During this year’s ceremony, Apple’s vice president of software engineering Craig Federighi was describing how his firm’s engineers developed the phone’s uncanny facial recognition abilities (which failed to work during the demo, naturally) when a highly disturbing image was displayed on the presentation behind him:

Oh, these old things? Don’t mind them. Keep your eyes on the shiny new phone. Shiny New Phone. SHINY NEW PHOOOOOONE.

Oh, these old things? Don’t mind them. Keep your eyes on the shiny new phone. Shiny New Phone. SHINY. NEW. PHOOOOOONE.

Supposedly, these masks were designed by Hollywood special effects artists in order to test and hone the phone’s facial recog tech. They don’t fool me, though. I know demons and skinwalkers when I sees ‘em.

Welcome to the uncanny valley.

Welcome to the uncanny valley.

Apple’s pretty creepy enough without having to go so far as to show everyone they have a wall of human faces just sitting around. Any company which puts cameras and microphones in people’s homes and pockets and has the ability to turn on said cameras and microphones at will is pretty dystopian if you ask me. They might try to sell us a fun-loving, free-spirited image through their advertising, but who knows for sure what the ultimate goal of this massive corporation is? To make ungodly amounts of money while filling the planet with non-biodegradable electronic waste? To completely obfuscate the inner workings of the devices we all use daily to the point that we are entirely dependent on them for service and support? To build planned obsolescence into their devices so that consumers are forced to upgrade every few years? Or is it to aid global intelligence agencies in compiling massive databases of our sensitive personal information and biometric data?

They always tell us to "think different" - is Apple brainwashing us?

They always tell us to “think different;” is Apple trying brainwa – SHINY NEW PHONE…SHINY…NEW…PHONE…

I’m betting on “all of the above.” But they make good hardware, so who cares, right? I, for one, welcome our face recognizing overlords. And hey, look! They now have emojis you can animate with your own face!

Your own face that will soon be on their wall, that is. Carpe faciem.