Monstrous Muscular Pigs and Cyborg Crayfish

There are some things science shouldn’t mess with because they’re already perfect. One is bacon. Another is crayfish, those luscious little lobster-lites that are so delicious boiled, fried or etouffeed (if that’s not a verb, it should be). As usual, science doesn’t listen. Researchers in Cambodia have developed monstrous muscular pigs that look like Arnold Swine-eneggers, while scientists in the Czech Republic have created cyborg crayfish for inspecting water tanks at breweries. Great, they’re messing with beer too.

"This is the very real horror that seems to be unfolding on a Cambodian farm, where genetically altered pigs are being bred to develop heaping knots of muscle mass."

Danny Prater, a PETA spokesperson, reports that Duroc Cambodia, a pig breeding company in the Banteay Meanchey province, has been genetically modifying pigs to produce what it calls “double muscled” animals by editing a single gene. The goal was to create pigs with more and leaner meat. The result was monsters with massive muscles that look eerily human and huge testicles that did not. The company claims that out of the 32 pigs modified, only 13 lived to 18 months and only one reached adulthood healthy. However, their website shows many more muscular mutants than just one. They’re also selling artificial insemination kits, so the hog is already out of the bag. There’s no word on how the bacon, chops, hams or hocks taste. While it looks ominous, PETA should be happy. These scary pigs may keep more people from becoming butchers.

Moving from hogs to hops, researchers at the Faculty of Fisheries and Protection of Water at South Bohemia University in Vodnany, Czech Republic, have provided the Provtin brewery with the first of its cyborg crayfish. The freshwater crustaceans (better known as crawfish or crawdads) are fitted with biosensors that monitor their movements and heartbeat while they crawl or swim inside of tanks holding water brought in to be used for beer-making. Crayfish respond rapidly to changes in the water, so deviations from their normal readings are quickly picked up and the water in a questionable tank is used instead for beer that is sold in the United States.

Just kidding. It’s either purified or dumped. Eventually, the cyborg crayfish are expected to be upgraded to carry tiny cameras that will watch for bored brewers trying to snatch a few for a lunch of beer and beer-battered crawfish … and probably inspect the insides of the water tanks at the same time.

While you get ready to dig into your BLT and glass of Czech ale, consider this … those extra-thick slices may be from a mutant hoginator and there was probably a crawfish swimming in your beer.

You’re welcome.