Jan 17, 2018 I Brett Tingley

Woman Wants to Marry Tetris After Relationship with Calculator Went Sour

From the moment our ancestors first picked up rocks to fashion crude stone tools, it was inevitable that humanity would eventually get to self-driving cars, Pokémon Go and Roombas. Our reliance on and obsession with technology has already begun making humans obsolete in many areas of our lives, not only when it comes to labor, but also when it comes to human interaction. Social media and dating apps have changed social relationships forever, while sex robots and holographic AI constructs are leading some individuals to swear off of human contact entirely in favor of the cold metal touch of our machines. In one extreme example, a French woman made headlines in 2016 after announcing that she was a “robosexual” and planned to marry her 3D printed robotic companion. Now, one Florida woman hopes to take things a step further - but also back in time - by attempting to marry a handheld Tetris game.

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"Oh yeah, drop your rod right into my gap baby."

20-year-old Noorul Mahjabeen Hassan claims she has been in a relationship with Tetris for over a year now. Not any one particular Tetris game or piece of merchandise, but the general idea of Tetris in general. Hassan, who prefers to go by the name Fractal Tetris Huraca, told Metro that her love affair with Tetris began in late 2016 when she first started playing the game and discovered she received immense satisfaction from clearing the screen:

I think Tetris is so beautiful, he is about perfection and he stimulates your mind. Physically I get that feeling that people in relationships get – that you know they are the right one. I want to say I’m married to Tetris and have a legitimate ceremony. I want everybody to be there. ‘I feel like that would be an official thing which would set it in stone and say “I love you and want to prove it to you” by making it permanent and calling myself Mrs Tetris.

Hussan - or Fractal - now spends up to twelve hours a day playing various Tetris titles and even reports to have a “physical relationship” with various “Tetris themed objects, including Tetris hard drives and cushions.” Gross.

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Hussan and lover, Tetris.

Fractal also claims to have previously been in relationships with a Garmin GPS device and a calculator named Pierre, but that last relationship soured after she grew tired of his habit of giving her the same answers over and over again.

Sorry, Pierre. I guess you asked for 80085 one too many times.

Hussan self-identifies as an objectum sexual, an individual who is attracted to inanimate objects or structures. Research into this rather obscure form of human sexuality is scarce, but it has been documented throughout history. Sure, it might sound weird at first, but who’s to judge? People like what they like.

Brett Tingley

Brett Tingley is a writer and musician living in the ancient Appalachian mountains.

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