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Researchers Flee from Opened Giant Black Mystery Sarcophagus

Well, it happened and we’re all still here. Egyptian archaeologists have opened the giant, mysterious black marble sarcophagus recently unearthed in Alexandria, and…

A whole lot of stinking sewage water fell out. No curse, no vengeful mummy, no evil necromancer. No hieracosphinx, no serpopard, no Ammit, damnit. Not one Nazi’s face melted off. I guess we can’t be too disappointed, though – the world is still here and only somewhat doomed, as opposed to covered in locusts and horrible man-eating beasts out of Egyptian mythology. So what exactly was found in this once-in-a-lifetime archaeological find?

The usual. Just some old dead people.

According to initial reports, three skeletons and a whole lot of “red-brown sewage water” which filled observers’ nostrils with what the BBC describes as “an unbearable stench” that sent researchers fleeing from the inspection scene entirely. At least that much was awesome. There’s even a Change.org petition now asking to let people “drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die.”

The sarcophagus was opened by a specially-appointed committee of specialists on behalf of the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities. Mostafa Waziri, secretary-general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities, says that while the find is unique, it’s ultimately a little disappointing:

We found the bones of three people, in what looks like a family burial… Unfortunately the mummies inside were not in the best condition and only the bones remain. We’ve opened it and, thank God, the world has not fallen into darkness. I was the first to put my whole head inside the sarcophagus… and here I stand before you. I am fine.

Yeah, fine so far, Mostafa. Sometimes ancient Egyptian curses can take a few decades to catch up with you. Come back to me when you develop prostate cancer in 16 years.

It took 16 years for the Curse of the Pharaohs to catch up with Howard Carter.

Actually, don’t; I don’t wish that upon anyone. I’m just bitter and a little disappointed. Like most of us, I was hoping something truly marvelous would have been inside of this mysterious, imposing sarcophagus. Instead, it appears that this was some type of ritual burial for three soldiers who served during the time of the Pharaohs. It’s unknown who they were, but one of the skulls bears an arrow injury, suggesting a warrior. Still, given the nature of their burial, it’s likely they have an interesting story to tell.

I guess it’s great and all that the world is still here, but deep down I was hoping for an evil wizard. Just once before I die, I want to witness the awe-inspiring, spacetime-bending power of an ancient undead necromancer. Is that too much to ask?