Unlike the three corpses found inside of it, the strange story of the huge black sarcophagus opened this week in Egypt won’t die. Despite warnings from both scientists and mummy fearmongers, the massive lid was removed from the massive stone casket and the contents were revealed to the waiting world … three skeletons, possibly of soldiers, and a putrid pool of liquid sewage that may have seeped in over time and mixed with … well, use your imagination. Now, use that same imagination to think of the worst thing you could do with that mysterious, murky liquid. You don’t have to be a frat boy or a double-dog-dare player to guess the answer … a group of people has petitioned the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities to obtain a bottle of sarcophagus soda (patent pending) for drinking. (See it here.)
We’ll give you a moment to go to the bathroom.
Feel better? Innes McKendrick, a video games producer from Guildford, Surrey, has started a petition to … well, let’s let him tell it in his own words.
“We need to drink the red liquid from the cursed dark sarcophagus in the form of some sort of carbonated energy drink so we can assume its powers and finally die.”
“We” at the time of this writing is at least 643 people who have signed the petition at change.org. Innes may be clear on the dirty water but not on who is currently holding it … he addressed the petition to Egypt’s “King of Skeletons,” which would be a great name for a band but probably ticked off the Ministry of Antiquities, which deals with far more than skeletons.
To show he’s serious, Innes agreed to be interviewed by The Metro (OK, maybe that’s not the best place to show you’re serious) and addressed the alleged curse of the sarcophagus, the real curse of living in today’s world and the reason for his desire to bring a curse upon himself (and anyone who dips a tongue into the glass with him) by drinking the red bile with Red Bull.
“Many felt let down when the dark and extremely cursed sarcophagus was pried open to reveal only skeletons drenched in raw sewage, which is weird because skeletons are inherently pretty awesome. However, I stand true to the hope we were promised, and deeply believe that by consuming the skeleton juice in the form of a carbonated high caffeine energy drink that we can still have the opportunity to enter an era of unending darkness and despair. I’m so glad to see others backing the petition, and sharing in my mission to rapidly bring about the end of all things.”
In the spirit of “thinning the herd,” perhaps we should let these petitioners drink the coffin cola. But first, the researchers at the Alexandria National Museum need to study it (and the skeletons) to determine how so much of it got into the sarcophagus. One theory is that the coffin had been opened before and reused – this might explain why such a massive one contained what appear to be common soldiers, not Egyptian royalty.
Since so many people seem to think Innes McKendrick has a bright idea and Egypt is trying to increase tourism, maybe the Antiquities Ministry should work with him to develop soft drink or a hard liquor that looks like the gross liquid. Gin, vermouth, cherry juice and a garnish of mummy wrapping — a mummy martini (patent pending).
With an imagination like Innes McKendrick, he’s probably drank far worse.
And “Sewer Water from the Black Sarcophagus” would be a great name for a heavy metal album.