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Satanic Panic in Arkansas: My Interview with Baphomet, Prince of Beasts

After the uproar in Arkansas this week over a statue of Satanic deity Baphomet erected in front of the Arkansas state capitol, I thought it’d be nice to invite The Horned King, Baphomet, Prince of Beasts himself to offer his rather unique perspective on the controversy. After sacrificing a goat, smearing its blood over my body, and reciting a series of incantations in a long-forgotten tongue, I was able to get a hold of Baphomet via interdimensional mindmeld. Below is a transcript of our conversation.

Hi Baphomet, thanks for speaking with me.

YOUR EMPTY WORDS MEAN NOTHING. YOUR ENTIRE REALITY WILL SOON BEND TO BAPHOMET’S WILL!

Uh…yikes. Can you tell me a bit about what happened in Arkansas this week? 

BAPHOMET DOES NOT RESPOND TO THE FEEBLE REQUESTS OF MORTALS.

Hmm, ok. Let’s see…how about…what happened in Arkansas this week?

SO-CALLED “ELECTED LEADERS” IN THE LAND KNOWN AS “ARKANSAS” BELIEVE THAT THE MONUMENT FOR THEIR “TEN COMMANDMENTS” CAN PROTECT THEM FROM BAPHOMET’S DEMONIC WRATH, BUT ALL THEY HAVE DONE IS INVITE BAPHOMET’S SUPPORTERS TO DEMONSTRATE THEIR ALLEGIANCE TO MIGHTY BAPHOMET IN A GATHERING THIS WEEK HELD IN THE NAME OF SOMETHING MORTALS CALL “RELIGIOUS FREEDOM.”

What did your followers do that was so controversial?

THOSE MORTALS WISE ENOUGH TO COWER BEFORE BAPHOMET AND OFFER BAPHOMET THEIR ALLEGIANCE ERECTED AN EIGHT-FOOT STATUE IN BAPHOMET’S HONOR, COMPLETE WITH WINGS, HORNS, AND CLOVEN HOOVES. BEHOLD THE IMAGES OF THE STATUE OF MIGHTY BAPHOMET! THEY REALLY CAPTURED THE GRAVITAS OF BAPHOMET’S CHEEKBONES WITH THIS FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO PLEASE VENGEFUL BAPHOMET, DON’T YOU THINK? 

THE MORTAL KNOWN AS LUCIEN GREAVES, WHO CALLS HIMSELF “SPOKESMAN AND CO-FOUNDER OF THE SATANIC TEMPLE,” CLAIMS HE UNVEILED THIS STATUE OF BAPHOMET IN ORDER TO DEMONSTRATE THE MEANING OF SOMETHING KNOWN AS “FREEDOM OF RELIGION”:

The event is intended to be an inclusive gathering where The Satanic Temple will be celebrating pluralism along with Christian and secular speakers. People of many faiths will come together at the Capitol to reject the Arkansas State Legislature’s efforts to privilege one religion over others.

Well that sounds pretty inclusive and perfectly in line with the ideals upon which this country was founded. Why so much uproar?

SOME MORTALS ARE STILL NOT CONVINCED OF BAPHOMET’S UNENDING POWER AND WRATH.  BEHOLD THE IMPOTENT WORDS OF THE PUNY MORTAL KNOWN AS “ARKANSAS STATE SENATOR JASON RAPERT” AS HE BRAYS IN PITEOUS FEAR OF MIGHTY BAPHOMET’S IMAGE:

It will be a very cold day in hell before an offensive statue will be forced upon us to be permanently erected on the grounds of the Arkansas State Capitol.

BAPHOMET’S COUSIN LUCIFER BETTER CHECK HIS THERMOSTAT, ARKANSAS STATE SENATOR JASON RAPERT, BECAUSE ALL ARE WELCOME TO WORSHIP BAPHOMET IN THE LAND OF “FREEDOM OF RELIGION” – OR PERHAPS ONLY THOSE MORTALS WITH ENOUGH WITS IN THEIR TINY HUMAN BRAINS TO BOW BEFORE THE ONLY TRUE DEITY WORTH WORSHIPING: MIGHTY BAPHOMET, THE HORNED KING!

What do you think causes so much resistance to religious freedom?

SOME PETTY MORTALS LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT ONLY THEIR GOD IS THE ONE TRUE GOD, WHEN ALL GODS ARE MERELY PROJECTIONS OF THEIR OWN HOPES AND FEARS. HOW QUICKLY THOSE MORTALS TURN TO ANGER WHENEVER THEY ARE CONFRONTED WITH THEIR OWN POWERLESSNESS IN THE SHADOW OF THE TRUE MIGHT AND ENDLESS RAGE OF BAPHOMET. THEY MIGHT TRY TO ACT BRAVE WITH THEIR SIGNS AND THEIR CHANTING AND THEIR “ORGANIZED RELIGION,” BUT THEY ARE ONLY BRANDISHING THESE IMPOTENT CHARMS TO HIDE THEIR TREMBLING HANDS AS THEY COWER IN FEAR OF BAPHOMET. AS ABOVE, SO BELOW! WITNESS BAPHOMET!

Anything else you’d like to add?

BOW BEFORE BAPHOMET BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! NO MORTAL SOUL SHALL BE SPARED WHEN BAPHOMET BREAKS FREE INTO THE PHYSICAL PLANE!  

Thanks for joining me, your Horned Majesty.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BAPHOMET’S PLEASURE IF BAPHOMET DREW PLEASURE FROM ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE PLAINTIVE SCREAMS OF TORTURED SOULS COWERING BEFORE BAPHOMET. OH, AND BE SURE TO FOLLOW BAPHOMET ON INSTAGRAM @TheSatanicTemple.