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Secret Passenger Airline to Area 51 Posts Job Opening

What’s the best way to get the inside scoop on Area 51, that most mysterious of military bases and cultural touchstone for people bad at parties the world over? It’s not 12 hour stretches spent staring at Google Earth, convincing yourself that some dirty old RV parked on the side of a desert highway is advanced alien tech or secret mind-controlling super weapon powered by children’s tears and the frozen heart of Lyndon B. Johnson. That way lies madness, friend. Here’s what you have to do if you want to know what’s really going on: get a job you lazy bum, this is America! What would Henry Ford say if he saw you right now? Get out there, pound the pavement, and go tell the secret shadow government that you’re just the person they’ve been looking for. You’re in luck too, because they’re hiring.

If you’re a licensed pilot in the Las Vegas area without too many skeletons stuffed in your closet to prevent you from getting Top Secret clearance, you might just have a shot at working at Area 51. Defense contractor AECOM is looking for a First Officer/Co-Pilot to join the so-called “Janet airlines,” the secretive service operated by the US Air Force to ferry employees from McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas to Area 51 and other military bases. Qualifications include having 3,000 hours flying fixed wing aircraft, ability to qualify for and maintain Top Secret security clearance, and be willing to live in Las Vegas. Although not stated, further qualifications are assumed to include a character relatively unwilling to promise potential one-night-stands that you’ll “show them some aliens” when you’re ripped on scotch at the Bellagio at 4 AM.

Las Vegas

Las Vegas: where no one ever says anything stupid.

Assuming you’re not me and you can land this gig, you’ll be flying unmarked red and white passenger jets from a private terminal at McCarran International Airport. The unofficial name for this air transport service is Janet airlines, which refers to the callsign used by these planes when they’re flying in civilian space. As soon as the planes enter into military space, the callsigns change from Janet to names far more fitting like Maple, Colt, Racer, and Bones. If there’s one thing we’ve learned about our secret shadow government, they have an impeccable sense of cool.

Area 51 road.

Pictured: probably not the runway at Area 51.

If you’re a pilot and you think you’ve got what it takes, you can apply on AECOM’s website. Of course, if you’re reading this you’re probably already disqualified, but hey it’s worth a shot, right?  Just don’t forget who gave you the tip-off when you get that sweet, sweet inside scoop.

If you happen to be AECOM’s hiring manager and you’re reading this: I do not envy you right about now, and I’m sorry, but you knew what you signed up for.