The current U.S. midterm election is being called the most important election in ages, and while that point is debatable, it’s certainly one of the strangest. First there was the Florida candidate for the US House of Representatives who claimed she was once abducted by aliens. Despite an endorsement by a major newspaper, she lost in the primaries. Then there’s the Virginia US congressional race where one candidate, who has written books about Bigfoot, was accused of being a fan of Bigfoot porn. Despite that, he is leading in the polls. Now we have a candidate for school board in New Jersey who has worked as an actor in low-budget horror films that feature nudity, sex and drugs … including one about Bigfoot. Does the Virginia candidate know about this?
“We need some new blood at the school board. That’s why I’m running.”
If he’s referring to fake blood flowing from good people in bad horror movies, Edward X. Young is the man for the job – although school board member may be a bit of a character stretch for an actor more accustomed to teens screaming as they’re chased by monsters or worse. Young is running in Brick, a New Jersey township with a population of about 75,000 people who can’t believe this is happening in their oceanside town. Young has appeared is such low-budget films as “Everybody Is Going to Die, at Ten Acres High,” “Attack of the Killer Chickens the Movie,” The Killer Clown Meets the Candy Man.” “Chad’s Dental Nightmare,” “The Mildew from Planet Xonader,” “I Spill Your Guts” and “Bigfoot: Blood Trap.” While most of these films have scenes of nudity and violence that would concern most parents, the last one has been singled out as the worst, in more ways than one. (The NSFW movie posters can be seen here.)
“This story is true! Can you prove it didn’t happen?”
While that sounds like a statement right out of a campaign ad, it’s actually the opening of the trailers (see three of them here) for “Bigfoot: Blood Trap.” The trailers contain all three, but mostly blood, nudity and obviously fake entrails. Oh, and at least one teen girl. Young plays a cryptozoologist named Dr. Laurence Corman whose family is killed by a Bigfoot after Corman’s wife attacks the creature’s child. According to NJ.com which interviewed the film’s director, Corman later decides to conduct experiments breeding Bigfoot with humans and just so happens to have a beautiful female accomplice who captured one. After disemboweling a few mating candidates (apparently there’s no Bigfoot Tinder), Corman shows it Bigfoot porn (what IS it with politicians and Bigfoot porn?) and a relationship is finally, albeit forcefully, consummated, resulting in a hybrid baby. There’s obviously much more gore and sex, which is why even the trailers are NSFW.
The question is, is the star of the movie suitable of work on the Brick Board of Education?
“I knew Ed was an actor and Republican when we decided to pool resources, but I had never seen any of Ed’s films. As a minister, I find these horror films to be very distasteful.”
That’s the nicest thing his running mate, youth pastor Rob Canfield, could muster about Young, who he’s stuck with on the ballot because the New Jersey Election Law Enforcement Commission requires running mates.
Edward X. Young is running under the slogan, “Make Brick Great.” After seeing the trailers, even Bigfoot has his doubts.