It started with a call to the West Yorkshire Police:
“Police received a report of public indecency at Hawksworth Wood Trail on Cragside Walk in Leeds yesterday afternoon. Police have stepped up patrols in the area.”
What kind of public indecency? Here’s what the witness said on the community Facebook page.:
“Around lunchtime my friend and I witnessed what we think was some sort of ritual. We saw a naked couple on a white plastic sheet having sexual activity while chanting and praying with a dead bird at the side of them. The man then wiped blood from the bird on the woman’s head while she lay on the ground. Other people were there who seemed to be watching.”
Was this some kind of porn video gone bad? More like a fertility ritual, according to someone who knows a lot about those — witch Kevin Carlyon of East Sussex. He told the Yorkshire Sun that this couple wasn’t just looking for love in all (or at least one of) the wrong places, they were looking for a way to improve their chances of conception. Perhaps they should have called Kevin first. He claims he’s been providing fertility spells for years and has a 90% success rate.
But wait … there’s more! Witch Carlyon is also a tour guide of the top fertility spots in the UK. For an additional £100 (about $130), he’ll take the couple to one of the hotspots where they can have sex on grounds just surging with fertility energy. Some of these spots are on the famous Ley lines – geographic straight lines with landmarks, monolyihs and religious sites dotting them – and others are landmarks with “unusual” physical charactersitics which explain their fertility-enhancing abilities. For those who can’t afford spells or are too far away but still curious, Carylon described to the Scottish Sun the top spots he likes to take couples to.
“Cerne Abbas it’s definitely the number one spot as it is so well known for fertility giving purposes. I always find this site works especially well for men. The penis on the figure helps those with a low sperm count. In fact it’s been so successful that English Heritage wrote to me not long ago to ask me to cut down the activity I was doing there as I was causing erosion to the penis of the giant from all the visitors!”
That’s the Cerne Abbas or Cerne Giant in Dorset which is 180 feet tall and has a 20-foot penis. Another giant on the fertility hotspot bus tour is the Wilmigton Giant in Carylon’s hometown of East Sussex.
“This is the one that I find women tend to successfully fall pregnant on – possibly because it looks more like a female than a male. The legs and lower parts of the figure are the most active spots, and in total I’ve had three couples fall pregnant there.”
It’s not just male giants carved or drawn on hillsides that create these horny hotspots – a famous 3,000-year-old Oxford horse drawing draws them like flies, especially to a certain part of its anatomy.
“The Uffington White Horse is so hard to get to. We firmly believe that the energy lines crosses through the rear end of the figure, so that is the best place to get it on if you’re a couple looking for a boost.”
It’s not known if the Loch Ness monster is having monster sex in the loch, but Carylon claims a nearby graveyard is a fertile, albeit creepy, place for love birds (or love ravens).
“I started using this site (Boleskine Graveyard) around two years ago when a couple got in contact with me saying that they had conceived there.”
While Stonehenge isn’t on Carylon’s list, three other stone circles are because Carylon beleves they work equally well for both men and women: the Burnmoor Stone Circle and Castlerigg Stone Circle in Cumbria, and the Arbor Low Stone Circle in North Yorks.
“As long as you time it right, which is sometimes in the early hours of the morning, there won’t be any sightseers. It’s thought this spot was used as an ancient healing circle, which might be the reason why it aids fertility.”
As you can see, Carylon does not condone exhibitionism, which is why he wouldn’t be involved with the Leeds couple who were observed near a local school. He also doesn’t use dead birds, preferring to cast spells with crystals and incantations.
Have you been looking for love help in all the wrong places? Even if you haven’t, witch Kevin Carlyon’s fertility hotspots tours sound like a great way to see the unusual sites of the UK. Just make sure to pack your birth control devices.