The pandemic shutdown and holiday restrictions are making Christmas look depressing and gift-giving looking like a gift card exchange. However, staying at home with the one you love (or the one you’re with – thanks, Stephen Stills) or buying a gift for your equally frustrated paranormal friends doesn’t have to be difficult this year. A company called Kheper Games offers a sex-oriented Ouija board called “The Spirits Want You To Have Sex!” that lets the otherworld tell you how to rock whatever world you and your partner are stuck in. Warning: this story and the links are NSFW.
“The planchette reveals your love-making positions! You and your lover place your hands upon the planchette, with it centered on the game board. You then ask the spirits to help you figure out what sex positions to try tonight. Let them guide your hands as you move the planchette across the board. You can also ask the board Yes or No questions about kinky things you think your lover might want to try. When you reach “Good Sex”, carry out your chosen sexual actions and positions.”
Any questions? You can see the illustrated X-rated board (link here) at the Kheper web site. Kheper specializes in adult games and novelties for gag gifts, bachelorette parties, romantic nights and occasions when you actually need some urging to get high on your favorite pot products. The Seattle company has been in publishing since 1995 and the adult games business since 2000, so you may have heard of “The Spirits Want You To Have Sex!” or its other products before. However, HiggyPop thought it was time to remind people how much fun the occult can be and posted a blurb about it recently that is undoubtedly catching the eye and the fancy of a lot of paranormal people looking for love, looking for fun, looking for gifts or looking for a variation on the same old Ouija board that may not be enough to counteract the year 2020.
“I’ve always been skeptical of spirits, ghosts, and anything of the afterlife, until I found this spectacular product! At first, I had bought it as a joke to mess around with a friend ;). After a few minutes the pointer started moving and I was SHOOK AF! One thing lead to another, and soon the ouija board of my dreams helped me get laid! I won’t go into details of the account, but I’ll let you know that $14.05 plus overnight shipping (thanks amazon!) is well worth the night of your dreams.”
If you need convincing, “Jane Doe” gave that 5-star review at Amazon with the headline: “The spirits helped me lose my virginity!” It’s simple to play/use: there are 27 erotic illustrations of a couple in various sex positions – some you’re familiar with and some that make you hope the spirit you contact is of the kinky kind. Where the traitional Ouija board says “yes” and “no”, this one has the obvious “yes, yes, yes” and the to-be-avoided-at-all-costs “not right now.” Where the traditional boards say “good bye,” this one says “good sex” – which also means good-bye as you head to the bedroom, couch or floor with your spirit-recommended position.
Is this sex Ouija board for real? Well, is the other kind for real? There are plenty of scary stories of Ouija boards leading to demonic possession, psychological problems, open portals to the underworld for demons to escape from, and the like. There are more than few studies showing the boards don’t work in blind tests or the planchette is moved by the subconscious (or in the sex version — conscious and possible self-conscious) mind, so it’s wise to use it in the spirit it was intended – as an ice-breaker, a novelty, a gag gift or a rekindler of whatever might need rekindling.
And if you get one for Christmas and don’t want it – don’t be offended or afraid … it makes great kindling for a nice warm holiday fire with the one you love … or the one you’re with.