Today, it’s time for me to turn my attention to the world’s most famous – and most mysterious – monster: Bigfoot. Of course, it should be noted there cannot be just one such creature lumbering and prowling around the vast forests of the United States – even though that’s what its legendary moniker suggests. Such a thing would be undeniably ridiculous. Indeed, quite the opposite is the case: sightings of these immense ape-like animals have been reported from just about every part of the United States. While encounters with such beasts proliferate in the Pacific Northwest, encounters also abound in the Florida Everglades (where the monsters are known as Skunk Apes), in the Piney woods of East Texas, in rural Pennsylvania, and deep in the heart of Arkansas. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. They’re everywhere.
Within the field of mainstream Cryptozoology, several theories have been put forward to valiantly try and explain what the creatures might be. One of the most popular theories goes like this: that the animals are surviving pockets of ancient apes assumed to be long-extinct. One such popular candidate, for some, is Gigantopithecus. National Geographic says: “Sometimes, in evolution, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. And Gigantopithecus was pretty darn big. Fossils indicate it stood as high as 10 feet (3 meters) and weighed up to 1,100 pounds (500 kilograms). If you’re an animal, there are advantages to being gigantic. You’re less vulnerable to predators, and you’re able to cover a lot of territory when looking for food. Gigantopithecus thrived in the tropical forests of what is now southern China for six to nine million years.”
It barely needs saying China is a long way from the United States; something which provokes big problems when it comes to suggesting what people are seeing in the U.S. is Gigantopithecus. There’s another problem, too: the sheer, Goliath-like size of Gigantopithecus has led many creature-seekers to suspect it roamed around like a gorilla does, rather than in the upright fashion of both Bigfoot and us, the human race. Now, things get really weird: not a scrap of evidence has ever been found to suggest that the United States is home to massive groups of unknown apes. Not even to one, in fact. There is nothing at all in the fossil record. Even though that’s what the data collected by cryptozoologists hazily implies. How about Neanderthals who have survived against the odds and in deep stealth? Not a chance in Hell: the Bigfoot creatures are far more animal-like than they are human-like. The same goes for Cro-Magnons, too. Could it get stranger? It could. It does.
As I mentioned above, the Bigfoot creatures are huge in size, and have been seen just about all across the U.S. They have even been seen in heavily populated areas. This suggests there must be significantly-sized numbers of the animals roaming around. Makes sense, right? Right. Yet, here’s the Bigfoot-sized big problem: not a single, solitary creature has ever been found (alive or dead) or captured. Bullets, incredibly, seem to have absolutely no effect on them. Yes, there are those who claim to have killed one or more Bigfoot. Not a single one of those people, however, has ever presented any convincing evidence that bullets can bring down a Bigfoot.
The monsters have never been successfully hit and killed by the drivers of trucks or cars – whether during the day or in the early morning on a winding, heavily forested road. Alleged Bigfoot DNA, hair, and fecal droppings in the hands of monster-hunters have always proved to be – at the very best – ambiguous. The many tracks that have been found in the woods – and that practically dictated the famous name, Bigfoot – only confuse things even more. By that, I mean sometimes the tracks of these mysterious things suddenly vanish in the woods. It’s almost as if the creatures have dematerialized in a flash.
The only thing we can say with absolute certainty is that the Bigfoot have the stunning ability to successfully elude every single one of us one hundred percent of the time. That is – or should be – impossible. Granted, most people never see a mountain lion in the wild. Likewise, to see a wild alligator is a rarity. As is encountering a bear in the woods. But, the fact is, people do see all of those animals in the wilds. And guess what? They do get shot and killed. And, they do race across roads and get fatally slammed by drivers in the early hours. Why, then, are the Bigfoot so incredibly different? As I see it, the answer is simple: because they are different. Extremely different.