Oct 26, 2022 I Paul Seaburn

Best and Worst Places in the U.S. for Vampires to Live

Based on what you know about vampires, what city in the U.S do you think is the best place for the fanged blood drinkers to live? Looking at pop culture, movies, novels and TV, one would probably put New Orleans at the top of the list by a wide margin. How about at the bottom of the list? How about the worst place for vampires? Based on their aversion to garlic, one might pick Gilroy, a California town near San Jose that is know as the Garlic Capital of the World for its many garlic farms. A research firm commisioned by the website Lawnlove conducted a ‘scientific’ study on this topic and found both of those choices to be as far from correct as you want to be from vampires. Let’s take a look at their criteria and see which cities made their lists of 2022’s Best Cities for Vampires.

Vampires don’t like sunlight … right? Well, actually, the original vampire lore described vampires as living in the daytime like normal humans. It was the movie “Nosferatu” that introduced the idea of vampires being creatures of the night … or at least of ‘dark shadows’ like Barnabas Collins of the TV horror soap opera of the same name. But that is not why Jacksonville, Florida, is an attractive city for vampires. According to the study, Jacksonville has the most blood donation centers in the U.S. … takeout restaurants for busy vampires, you might say. Fort Worth, Pittsburg, Orlando and Chicago top this list, with Portland at the bottom as a ‘dry’ city for blood drinkers, followed by Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington DC. Washington DC? Too much competition from politicians trying to suck every last drop from the public?

Do you have anything darker?

If, on the other hand, the fear of sunlight is real, what are the darkest cities in the U.S. for vampires to live? The list of cities with the least amount of sunlight is topped by Pittsburgh, which seems surprising since it is a typical Midwestern city which has done a superb job of the dense clouds of cleaning up the dense clouds of air pollution that once covered it. At number 2 is Anchorage, which makes sense due to its far north location and long winter nights where the sun rarely peaks over the horizon. What about the long summer nights? Number three is the equally puzzling Syracuse, New York, but the next three make perfect sense because they are in the foggy state of Washington – Tacoma, Bellevue and Seattle. Which brings up the question – do vampires also like damp climates?

Fans of vampire lore know that the creatures prefer to spend their days asleep in a coffin. Not only does it link them to the idea that they are creatures rising from the dead who are most often found in cemeteries, but coffins seal tight and keep out the light (see above). Bram Stoker’s Dracula needed his coffin lined with soil from his original gravesite, but that doesn’t seem to be a general requirement. Finally, the opening of the lid and the slowly rising vampire makes for terrifying TV and movie scenes – much creepier than rolling over in a bed to slam a cold hand on an annoying alarm clock. So, where do vampires prefer to obtain their coffins? Would you believe Houston, Texas? That may be due to the city being the headquarters for some national funeral home conglomerates, home to a lot of coffin makers and the location of the National Museum of Funeral History ... or it could just be that the fourth largest city in the U.S. would consequently also have a lot of people dying. Whatever the reason, Houston tops the list of most casket suppliers, followed by Los Angeles, New York City, San Antonio and Chicago. Those are the four of the five most populated cities in the U.S. (with San Antonio close at number seven) so the most people dying theory may be the reason. The list of cities with the fewest casket suppliers also somewhat supports this theory – Boise, Idaho, is at the bottom, followed by the equally sparsely populated cities of Springfield, MA, Orange, CA, Thornton, CO and Savannah, GA.

Since vampires are dead and the dead come from graves, it seems logical that the best place to put your bedroom coffin is below ground. To avoid nightly digging and morning undigging, basements will suffice. The U.S. cities with the highest share of homes with basements is Overland Park, Kansas. Second in basements Olathe, another Kansas city, followed by Grand Rapids, Michigan, Patterson, New Jersey, and Rochester, New York. One would think coastal, below-sea-level cities like New Orleans, Miami and Houston would have the least number of basements, but at the bottom are many surprises – Fortuna, California, Kileen, Texas, North Las Vegas, Nevada, Pasadena, Texas and Hialeah, Florida – which is farther inland than Miami.

Since vampires roam at night, it would make sense that they prefer cities with a vibrant nightlife for both entertainment and neck hunting. Not surprisingly, New York City, the City that Never Sleeps, tops this list, followed by Chicago, the always open Sin City of Las Vegas, the ‘stuck on the freeway all night’ Los Angeles and the romantic San Francisco. At the boring bottom of this list are Fontana, California, followed by Morena Valley, California, Mesquite, Texas, Palmdale and Salinas (tie), California, and Carrollton, Texas.

Before we get to the winners of the 2022's Best and Worst Cities for Vampires, here are a few more fun (?) facts. New Orleans finished at number 15 but is moving up. Idaho is the only state with actual laws against cannibalism – which includes human blood drinking – and vampires who will settle for less can try states with a lot of slaughterhouses like Nebraska and Kansas.

It's perfect! I'll take it!

OK … enough waiting. Drum roll please. The Best U.S. City for Vampires in 2022 is … New York City! The Big Adam’s Apple is followed by Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles and San Francisco. At the bottom, the Worst U.S. City for Vampires in 2022 is a surprise … Surprise, Arizona! Here’s another surprise …  three more of the bottom five are Arizona cities – Peoria, Glendale and Chandler, along with North Las Vegas, Nevada.

If you are a vampire who can afford the high rents, the location, location, location to live is New York City. If your biggest fear is a vampire living next door, you can feel safe (and cut down on garlic use) by living in Surprise, Arizona.

Thanks again to fine foilks at Lawn Love for this fun study.

Paul Seaburn

Paul Seaburn is the editor at Mysterious Universe and its most prolific writer. He’s written for TV shows such as "The Tonight Show", "Politically Incorrect" and an award-winning children’s program. He's been published in “The New York Times" and "Huffington Post” and has co-authored numerous collections of trivia, puzzles and humor. His “What in the World!” podcast is a fun look at the latest weird and paranormal news, strange sports stories and odd trivia. Paul likes to add a bit of humor to each MU post he crafts. After all, the mysterious doesn't always have to be serious.

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