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Woman Predicts the Future Using Asparagus

Like the annual appearance of tinsel-laden, needle-sparse Christmas trees on front lawns, the lady who annually predicts the future using asparagus has arrived, bragging about her correct vegetable-based predictions of 2016 and pitching her prognosticating asparagus into the air for forecasts for 2017. If asparagus is to blame for the problems of the past year, shouldn’t she switch to another vegetable … turnips perhaps?

I was the first person to predict that Gordon Brown – former British Prime Minister – would leave high level politics some twelve months before anyone else.

A change in vegetables would force Jemima Packington, from Bath, UK, to change the occupation on her business card to something other than ‘The World’s Only Asparamancer’. She claims to have settled on asparagus over 50 years ago when she tried to imitate her grandmother telling fortunes but didn’t like tea leaves. To be fair, she tried broccoli but settled on English asparagus, especially spears from the Vale of Evesham in Worcestershire.

English asparagus

There’s something about this good earthy vegetable that just picks up the vibrations from everybody.

Asparamancing begins like many other fortune-telling techniques with tossing the tools of the trade into the air and observing how and where they fall. How did they look when she made her most famous prediction about the demise of Gordon Brown?

I cast the spears and the were all pointing down and several spear tips had lost their spores which indicates tears.

Jemima admits that some of her predictions are more general in nature. In 2012 she predicted two royal births, which is an easy one with so many young royals.

I took another casting for my reading for Royal announcements and the spears fell in the shape of a crown. Two smaller spears were pointing towards the crown indicating two visitors – therefore two babies or pregnancies.

Apparently one-handed tossing of the asparagus is acceptable

To get a specific forecast for someone, the asparamancer has the person throw the asparagus themselves. It’s probably a good idea not to throw them too high in the air.

When a spear breaks it is the equivalent of the death card in Tarot readings.

If you’re looking for a good year, perhaps rolling the spears would be a better technique.

What is the asparamancer predicting for 2017? She sees the US becoming a pariah state under Donald Trump, other countries leaving the European Union, a continued boom for the British economy, Brexit will go ahead despite attempts to stop it, a show business couple seen as ‘national treasures’ will announce their divorce and troubling times ahead for the British royals.

The asparamancer is about to predict that this man will not be elected to Parliament

Anyone hoping she finds she used a rotten spear and decides to perform a do-over?

Anyone think Throwing Asparagus would be a great band name? How about The Rolling Spears?

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  • TRIPLESEVENSIX

    Bollocks!!

  • mph23

    She should go into business with Whole Foods…They sold “asparagus water” for 4.99USD a bottle a while back. Until outcry made them pull it.

    Yes, it was just a jar of water with two asparagus spears in it.