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Witch Bypasses Medicaid and Treats Illnesses With Demon Aid

Health insurance continues to be a hot topic in the U.S. and the pain and suffering the discussion has been causing for years seems to itself be a pre-existing condition. As a result, one woman in Louisiana is offering a New Orleans-style type of treatment by calling upon Satan to treat and cure human ailments. Will Affordable Care and Medicare be replaced by Devil Care?

“One thing you can do for healing is get a voodoo doll and bring that doll to life by making it in an image of the person you want to heal. Then you call out to your spiritual connection and ask for them to look after the person. You can put different stones around the doll to make a protection vortex. I connected psychically to this young man and I filled up his aura with healing energy. I also connected to my spirit guide Astaroth – a demon who uses the power of Lucifer – sometimes known as Satan.”

Savannah (credit: Black Witch Coven)

In a recent interview, Savannah (no last name) calls herself Black Witch S, and her methods for treating a young man with leukemia sound a lot like the convolutions of conventional health care. She’s not a primary care witch but more like a health care web site. Before you get real treatment, she first recommends over-the-counter remedies like voodoo dolls and stones. If that doesn’t work, she acts like an insurance company — determining what the patient can afford – before referring them to Astaroth, a demonic physician’s assistant who may be able to help but more often calls upon a specialist — Satan.

If the name Astaroth rings a bell, you’re probably a Phoenician historian, a biblical scholar or a demonologist (or perhaps all three – none of them pay that well). Astaroth is an interesting demon. The name is believed to have been derived from the Phoenician goddess Astarte, who is better known by her Babylonian and bad movie name, Ishtar. As Ashtoreth, she is mentioned often in the Hebrew bible. At some point in demonology, she became a he and Astaroth went from goddess to Grand Duke of Hell.

Astaroth

And now, provider of demonic health care? As with the new health care plan being discussed, details about Savannah’s demon care are scarce, although, like the new health care plan, she claims to have millions of supporters – or at least, five million people who visited her website this year so far. Her success stories (with the aid of Astaroth) seem to be limited to an unnamed Los Angeles police officer she claims to have cured of leukemia, a member of her coven who she helped heal from a brain operation and her grandmother, whose life she says she extended beyond the two months doctors gave her. (Fellow witches and grandmothers will always say nice things about you.)

Like medical care, whether it works or not, you still have to eventually pay the bill. Unless Bernie Sanders gets behind a public demon care option, Savannah’s services run from $75 for a 30-minute consultation to $10,000 for complex cases (that’s probably what you have). At least she’s not also asking for your soul or putting you into bankruptcy. If, like insurance companies and medical clinics, you’d like to be on the provider side of demon aid, Savannah also offers training classes that are far less expensive than medical school or getting an accounting degree.

Does Savannah’s demon aid work? It has far more critics and condemners from all sides than supporters (sound familiar?), but she does have supporters. Perhaps that’s a statement on the state of health care in the U.S. than the benefits of demon care. Perhaps that’s the real tongue-in-cheek (the figure of speech, not the medical condition) message of this post.

Sorry, Savannah. If you’re ill, see a doctor … while you still can.

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Paul Seaburn Paul Seaburn is one of the most prolific writers at Mysterious Universe. He’s written for TV shows such as “The Tonight Show”, “Politically Incorrect” and an award-winning children’s program. He’s been published in “The New York Times” and “Huffington Post” and has co-authored numerous collections of trivia, puzzles and humor. Paul likes to add a bit of humor to each MU post he crafts. After all, the mysterious doesn’t always have to be serious.

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