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Massive, Mysterious Mud Monster Wreaks Havoc on Minnesota Lake

This just in from our unexplained new land mass desk: a massive and mysterious mud formation has been wreaking havoc on the terrified (ok, maybe just concerned) residents of Brainerd, Minnesota as it destroys decks and boats with wanton apathy. Just how in the world does something like a three-acre-wide bog form in the middle of a lake, break free, destroy docks and boat lifts, and then flee in the dead of night without anyone noticing? Who knows, but somehow, that’s exactly what happened on North Long Lake outside Brainerd this week.

IT CAME FROM NORTH LONG LAKE

IT CAME FROM NORTH LONG LAKE

The curiously large bog – a huge mass of pure evil, compacted mud, plant material, and now debris from boats and docks – has been unleashing muddy mayhem all along the shores of North Long Lake. Strangest of all? According to Minnesota’s StarTribune, no one is quite sure where the bog came from.

The bog is larger than three football fields. Thats handegg for you non-Americans.

The bog is larger than three football fields. That’s handegg for all you non-Americans.

Bill Schmidt, president of the North Long Lake association, told local news station KARE that the bog is a complete anomaly:

There’s never been one ever seen this large before. It’s kind of the wild beast of North Long Lake right now. When it was out in the middle of the lake and the wind was blowing, it was just a monster coming at you. There’s cattails in there, there’s bulrush in there. There’s probably even a hundred trees in there. We’re looking for help on how would you take this thing and put it back where it belongs and anchor it.

Many of the lake’s residents are pulling in their boat lifts and removing objects from the shoreline out of fears that the horrible bog monster might come for them next. Due to calm winds, the bog is currently waiting patiently by a swimming beach and dock at a summer training camp and for Minnesota school patrol guards, preparing for its next meal. 

The bog left destruction in its muddy wake.

The bog left naught but destruction in its muddy wake.